Fine Blue Line

I wrote this short story about a special time in my life....bringing my daughter into the world....xxx

Thin blue line

She came into my life as a
'fine blue line'.

My heart pounded in my chest so hard as I felt an overwhelming and terrifying fear that somehow it may be wrong. I hoped it wasn't wrong, I prayed it wasn't wrong.

As the weeks went by, I knew I didn't need a test, doctor or scan to tell me....my princess was starting to grow and it was my job to make sure she was safe and protected.

As time went by, I watched my body change and woke every morning excited to feel that acknowledgement from her in the form of a sharp nudge to confirm that I wasn't dreaming and that my baby was getting ready to come into my world.

As the day we were due to meet imminently drew closer, I started to feel parts of her body inside me that made me realise I was actually growing a little person inside me.

I will never forget how it felt when I would gently push what I know was the heel of her tiny foot just under my rib cage, as she would very abruptly retort with an almighty kick that would make any adult body jump out their skin. This gave me the reassurance I desperately craved for every day that told me she was ok.

Nearly 9 months from the day of the 'thin blue line' in what felt like a heart beat, she sent some very abrupt messages to my body in what I can only describe as earth moving convulsions that let me know, she was on her way.

Unlike most overdue expectant mothers, I didn't feel frustrated that we were 10 days past her due date, after all she was clearly demonstrating that she was her mothers daughter already....late for everything and I didn't expect anything less.

As her arrival progressed I remember incessantly praying for her safe arrival.

I felt pain but didn't feel scared, this is my job, I'm her mother and I have to get her here safely.
As the intensity of the situation magnified, my body never gave up, she needed me and I needed her. I watched three concerned faces spectate with sympathy as they couldn't help, only I could do this and as time passed I did see relief in their face's as they knew I was ready for this challenge.

Then when I felt I couldn't give anymore, I knew I had to find the energy for one final push with the incentive being that I was about to be acquainted with the person I created and would always give and receive unconditional love.

I felt the baby I grew from a 'fine blue line' to a person leave my body and until I heard the customary 'new' baby cry, I couldn't exhale.

I needed to hear that sound, where was that sound?

Then what felt like hours later, my princess cried a piercing cry begging to return to her comfortable, dark and warm cocoon inside my body.

The relief I felt reduced me to uncontrollable tears and then the midwife wrapped my princess and placed her gently in my arms.

As I lay with my body completely destroyed, the tremendous pain I had just experienced completely vanished, I held a beautiful creation in my arms.

I made her,
I grew her,
I delivered her,
and until the day I die....I'm going to love and nurture her because my life only truly became blessed the day I seen that 'fine blue line'.

xxxxxxxxx

2013....Unlucky for Some....Not Me!

Welcome to my first blog....xxxxxx


So we are now two months into 2013...the year that many people dread, but after the 2012 I have had, things can only get better.

The last year has taught me so much, mainly the difference between 'friends and acquaintances' which has been the most painful lesson I’ve had to learn in my adult life.

I left my fiancé of 8 years and found myself not only now a single mother but homeless (living with parents), made redundant from my job, had to hand my car back to my ex (it was in his name), leave my beloved dogs behind and most importantly a large part of my dignity but on top all of that, I also lost friends I felt I would have with me for life.

I'll talk about the up's and the down's I have experienced in future blogs, I feel I want my first blog to be positive and to encourage me to set myself some goals for this 'jinxed' year as people keep saying but I have trust that this is going to be MY year.

  
Task 1 -

Move into My Very Own Palace Fit for Two Princesses

After leaving my ex in March and a brief stint in a private let 5 minutes from my previous home, I decided to move closer to my family 45 minutes away. I got the keys to what I can only describe as the house that jack on crack built. I have spent months fixing this disaster and renovating it into a liveable state. After my heating got condemned, an interior wall falling down, interior doors that wouldn't shut....I’ll stop there and encourage you to picture everything that could go wrong...because that is exactly what has happened and to this date it’s still not ready. So this seemed like a good place to start and if you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs under the first tier of Physiological: Shelter, then this is a good place to start.

Task 2 -

Get back in Shape

As someone that has always been very slender, I gained weight following my pregnancy, lost it through healthy eating and exercise, to then lose far too much weight during my break up followed by allowing those nasty pounds to creep up as I got comfortable. I plan on posting about my efforts, with before and after pictures and details of how I’m going to achieve this.
After my pregnancy, I went from 12st 8Ibs to 9st 3Ilbs and although I am now around 10st 3Ilbs (I think, I’m too scared to look at a set of scales but my jeans are screaming at me that I shouldn’t be wearing them) it’s more about being out of shape and trying to get that back.

Task 3 -

Be Cool, Stay in School

Following the redundancy from my job, I wasn’t willing to sit back and DO NOTHING, so I enrolled in a HND Digital Media and I’m now 16 weeks away from completing my first year. It’s been really hard returning to education at 30 but I have made some amazing friendships along the way that have helped me through and I will talk about the challenges I have experienced with going back to college in a future blog.

Task 4 -

Find a Hobby - 

When I was young, I attended dancing, horse riding, the brownies and anything else my mother could find for myself and my equally as overactive identical twin sister. I need to be stimulated, physically and mentally, this is something I have shelved to focus on my ex partners needs...and I want it back. Ideally, I’d love to 'Get Back on the Horse'.


Task 5 -

Start a Dance Class

This could come under the above task but I want to do this in additional to my 'Hobby'. Dancing was my life for many years and something I found extremely therapeutic. I often find myself choreographing dance routines in my head as I listen to my iPod during my daily communte to the point that I have to use every part of my being to stop myself from bursting into a one woman flash mob....don’t think that would go down well...probably get sectioned.

Task 6 -

Start a Blog 

I've always been intrigued by other peoples stories and goings on in their daily lives and I feel I would like to be part of that world and as my life is quite comical these days and may bring a smile to someone’s face.

Task 7 -

Do Something Spectacular

Now this is a bold statement....after the year I’ve had, it’s safe to say, I feel I can do anything I put my mind to and I’d like to do something to tell the grandkids and be proud. Now I have done many things in my life to be proud of, I've been scuba diving with killer whales and dolphins, I’ve bottle fed a tiger, I’ve worked all over the UK and I've been skiing in America and Austria. But for me, this year is the NEW me and I want to do something to signify that. Suggestions welcome!!!!!!

Task 8 -

Go on a Date

It has now been 9 years since my last date (sounds bad but I have been in a relationship for 8). I could have been on dates over the last year, I just haven’t through choice. I don’t feel I should be dating anyone while I’m really keen to focus on me and building a new life for me and my daughter after so much unsettlement. At the moment I have no desire to date anyone, however, I do feel that if I leave it until 2014 because of my insecurities and being the fear of being hurt again then I’ll probably only further reinforce these insecurities and surely as I’m older...I should be wiser....right?.........Watch this space!


Well thanks for reading my first blog and I will be sure to post about the developments of my 2013 'Bucket List'.

Victoria.....xxxxx